Thumbs down to the UP Fighting Maroons, who lured their fans into getting their hopes up with an improved team featuring rookie Fil-Am Mike Silungan, whom Coach Aboy Castro described as a cross between James Yap and Dondon Hontiveros. True to form, they got plastered by La Salle. They should just go ahead and change their name to the UP Sucking Maroons.

Read my report on the UAAP Season 73 opening weekend over at FHM.

I wrote a feature about UAAP for FHM, and it includes a wrap-up of season 72 and a sneak preview of season 73. Also, corny jokes:

UE Red Warriors

Looking back: UE had a fun run through Season 72, led by the spectacular Paul Lee and the solid frontcourt of Elmer Espiritu, Pari Llagas, and Val Acuña. The Warriors gave Ateneo a good scare in the Finals with a huge game 2 victory, but faded away in game 3.

Looking forward: Espiritu, Llagas, and Acuña will be leaving the team, which means that UE’s front line will be paper-thin, unless coach Lawrence Chongson is able to recruit quality big men. Chongson, meanwhile, has enough guards in his rotation to start a security agency.

Analysis: While both Chongson and fellow Tsinoy coach Alfrancis Chua rock the long hair, the UE mentor should consider asking Chua for hair care advice. Chua has nice, moisturized locks while Chongson’s hair is dry.

Read the whole thing at FHM.

Even the Inquirer couldn’t get a straight answer from FEU team officials and members of the team. Coach Glenn Capacio says he doesn’t know where Mark Barroca is, while JR Cawaling says that the superstar guard is out with the flu. A team staff member said that Barroca was suffering from an unspecified injury, even as athletic director Mark Molina and team manager Anton Montinola are refraining from giving any statements at this moment.

Rick Olivares broke the story a couple of days ago and fiercely defended the Smart Gilas co-captain from allegations of game-fixing. Then again, Olivares, who is known to be close to the Smart Gilas and the SBP hierarchy, also fiercely defended the SBP during the Japeth Aguilar issue against insinuations of meddling, and we all know how that turned out.

UPDATE: Barroca’s manager confirms that he’s out of the team, and will concentrate on Smart Gilas (and his studies) instead. Rey Joble gets another scoop. I still hope that FEU officials continue the investigation, both for their sake and for Barroca's.

I am a huge fan of Slate's series of How To Fake Your Way Cocktail Chatter series. I am expressly acknowledging that I am ripping them off in this post. Enjoy.

So your officemates are all talking about the UAAP Final Four over lunch, but you don’t know Jai Reyes from Cristine Reyes? Here’s a handy guide for everyone who wants to be instant college basketball experts.

ATENEO BLUE EAGLES vs. UST GROWLING TIGERS

The skinny on the Eagles: Ateneo has been the best team in the UAAP for the past two seasons, and they’ve been doing it differently from every other good team in college basketball: by playing conservatively. On defense, Ateneo is committed to staying in front of their men rather than gambling for steals, while Norman Black coaches a very conservative offense predicated on getting Rabeh Al-Husseini the ball on the block or Eric Salamat creating off the dribble, then kicking out to shooters like Jai Reyes and Eman Monfort. They don’t force turnovers, but with their hellish interior defense anchored on frontcourt demon Nonoy Baclao, they get enough opportunities to run off rebounds. Ateneo also has the deepest team in the league; if this were poker, you know that Manny Pangilinan’s darlings are playing with the big pile.

The skinny on the Tigers: UST is led by a ragtag band of gunners starring MVP Dylan Ababou, reed-thin hotshot Khazim Mirza, and super rookie Jeric Teng. But throughout the tournament, the Tigers have shown that they don’t have enough ammunition for the big gunfights, collapsing time and again in the important games. They’ll ride Ababou’s hot hands as long as they can, but they’ve always fallen short all season long. There’s not enough reason to think that results in the Final Four would be different.

Conversation starter: “Sure, Rabeh Al-Husseini gets all the ink, but Baclao’s defense and rebounding is the real key to the success of the Eagles.”

Conversation stopper: “Sure, ‘Desperado’ gets all the ink, but ‘New Kid in Town’ rocks and is the real gem in the catalogue of the Eagles.”