I am a huge fan of Slate's series of How To Fake Your Way Cocktail Chatter series. I am expressly acknowledging that I am ripping them off in this post. Enjoy.

So your officemates are all talking about the UAAP Final Four over lunch, but you don’t know Jai Reyes from Cristine Reyes? Here’s a handy guide for everyone who wants to be instant college basketball experts.

ATENEO BLUE EAGLES vs. UST GROWLING TIGERS

The skinny on the Eagles: Ateneo has been the best team in the UAAP for the past two seasons, and they’ve been doing it differently from every other good team in college basketball: by playing conservatively. On defense, Ateneo is committed to staying in front of their men rather than gambling for steals, while Norman Black coaches a very conservative offense predicated on getting Rabeh Al-Husseini the ball on the block or Eric Salamat creating off the dribble, then kicking out to shooters like Jai Reyes and Eman Monfort. They don’t force turnovers, but with their hellish interior defense anchored on frontcourt demon Nonoy Baclao, they get enough opportunities to run off rebounds. Ateneo also has the deepest team in the league; if this were poker, you know that Manny Pangilinan’s darlings are playing with the big pile.

The skinny on the Tigers: UST is led by a ragtag band of gunners starring MVP Dylan Ababou, reed-thin hotshot Khazim Mirza, and super rookie Jeric Teng. But throughout the tournament, the Tigers have shown that they don’t have enough ammunition for the big gunfights, collapsing time and again in the important games. They’ll ride Ababou’s hot hands as long as they can, but they’ve always fallen short all season long. There’s not enough reason to think that results in the Final Four would be different.

Conversation starter: “Sure, Rabeh Al-Husseini gets all the ink, but Baclao’s defense and rebounding is the real key to the success of the Eagles.”

Conversation stopper: “Sure, ‘Desperado’ gets all the ink, but ‘New Kid in Town’ rocks and is the real gem in the catalogue of the Eagles.”

FEU TAMARAWS vs. UE RED WARRIORS

The skinny on the Tamaraws: FEU, the hosts of this year’s UAAP tournament, are already on a high after their surprise win in last weekend’s cheerdance competition. Aldretch Ramos and JR Cawaling, members of the Smart Gilas developmental national team, put up big numbers, but Gilas co-captain Mark Barroca is the key to the Tamaraws’ success. Barroca is the best player in college basketball today, and he has been compared favorably to legendary FEU guard Johnny Abarrientos. Unfortunately, Barroca is allegedly under investigation for possibly throwing games. There’s a dark, ugly cloud looming on the horizon for the Tams’ chances.

The skinny on the Warriors: UE has a world of momentum coming into the series after winning their last six games. Coach Lawrence Chongson has loosened the reins on his players after taking over from Dindo Pumaren, and all hell has broken loose. UE has thoroughbreds led by daredevil guard Paul Lee, high-flying forward Elmer Espiritu, versatile big man Pari Llagas and sharpshooter Val Acuna, and their style of play would not look out of place in Lee’s native Tondo. Well, without the constant threats of getting stabbed.

Conversation starter: “The key to the series is outside shooting; both Barroca and Lee will be able to get into the paint, but who knows how they’ll be able to finish with Espiritu and Ramos blocking shot underneath.”

Conversation stopper: “Hey, does Lawrence Chongson ever get together with Alfrancis Chua and Giancarlo Tan to exchange hair care tips? Is this a Tsinoy basketball coach thing? Because his hair looks faaah-bulous.”